Sell the team? With this guide, now you can get what you want.
On Wednesday night, more Knicks fans were thrown out of Madison Square Garden for supposedly chanting “Sell the team.” One fan even claims he was “interrogated” while exiting, per the Daily News’ Stefan Bondy.
This isn’t the first time this season fans have been tossed for chanting something so absolutely disgusting, damning and downright disgraceful. We’re certain many egos were bruised in the spewing of such vile statements.
For the diehard fans who still want Dolan to sell the team despite its vast improvement over last year’s squad — the 2019-20 Knicks are already two whole wins better than last season’s 17-win team — here’s an easy, step-by-step guide that you’ll want to follow.
1. Stop telling James Dolan to sell the Knicks.
People are wasting hard-earned money by attending Knicks games and then not even getting the opportunity to watch the full 48 minutes of losing, so maybe it’s best to leave the chants at home.
The more Dolan hears detractors scream “Sell the team,” the less likely he’ll be to sell it. This is almost certainly a fact. Clearly, Dolan is a stubborn guy. You don’t ruin one of basketball’s best markets by not being stubborn, after all.
Please, stop telling James Dolan to sell the team. He does not like that very much. Please be nicer to him.
2. Stop going to Knicks games.
This is the second key, Knicks fans. Save your money. It’ll come in handy for the next step, too.
We know, New Yorkers love their basketball. They love their Knicks like the Garden loves starting beefs with celebrities and former players. The Knicks have sucked for the better part of two decades, and the Garden still sells out on a regular basis.
But the first step in sending Dolan a message is to stop going to the games. Avoid the Garden like it still has little Godzilla hatchlings in that wonderful 1998 “Godzilla” movie.
People who are trying to head home from Penn Station on game nights would appreciate that very much, as well.
3. Become a mega-billionaire.
The next step on this easy-peasy how-to guide is to make more money than Gates, Jobs and anyone else who’s recognizable by one name.
We’re talking more money than Cher here. More money than The Rock after “Fast and Furious.” What are you doing reading this? You should be out trying to invent the next sliced bread.
Besides, with all of the money saved by not going to games, you’ll already be three-quarters of the way there. So just keep going. Don’t be afraid to empty out the 401k to open that coffee shop you’ve always dreamed of. Don’t be afraid to take on Amazon. This is your best option. This is the way.
4. Start going to James Dolan’s concerts.
Here’s where it gets a little tricky. Start going to JD & The Straight Shot concerts.
Buy VIP tickets to his shows. Buy JD & The Straight Shot merchandise. Go to meet-and-greets and autograph signings. Listen to every album 15 times through. Become a groupie. Convince Dolan he’s good at something in his life.
Billionaires get to where they are by being told nice things all the time, right? If Dolan starts believing he’s good at something other than running a professional NBA franchise, he’ll likely go all-in on being a bona fide musician.
By the time you’re at the 18,000th show, Dolan will notice you, one of his four fans.
5. Buy the Knicks yourself!
At this point, Dolan has seen the light. His come-to-Jesus moment is you seeing you in the crowd, singing along with every lyric to his hit song “Glide.”
Dolan will surely want to sell the team to you, a lifelong JD & The Straight Shot fan and freshly minted mega-billionaire. You lock eyes with him. He gives you that signature warm, inviting Dolan look, and … Congratulations! You’re now best friends with James Dolan.
Because of your newfound friendship, Dolan will definitely listen to your manipulative overtures to sell the team. And now that you’re a billionaire, you can buy the team for any price.
Then Dolan will be off, disappearing into the world of music euphoria while you helm one of the most recognizable sports franchises in the world.
That’s it, Knick fans. That’s all you gotta do. Just keep me updated after your second or third billion.
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